It has taken me a few hours of procrastination to get here and write. Don't know why I'm not actively looking for part-time work anymore, even though that was the plan for today. I'm sinking into this limbo. No work brings about strange thoughts to my mind though. I'm hoping they move in and out of my body of their own accord. I think it could be the same way that tree with scary branches holds Harry, Hermione and Ron in the first book? You let the tree do what it has to do while you stay put and soon enough you'll pass through it. I'm not vouching for inaction but maybe not panicking for no apparent reason will help. Plus I think getting rid of boys from life for a while is a good idea. I need a clean slate. 

I'm also thinking it will help to rant here often. Maybe a daily diary entry of sorts. I'm not even going to try and filter it or make it fancy because I'm certain that not too many people are here. And that has always been such a comforting thought. This also means I can go uncensored and unedited and that's just fucking brilliant!

I've started to go for a run in the morning, along with my crossfit classes, to this very green and very big park that is close to my place. I listen to a podcast on my way and run to Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Kanye West and Beyonce. Then I walk for a bit while listening to Ludovico Einuadi and Coldplay and the result is quite wonderful really. Since last year I am getting comfortable with solitude and I've come quite far. Things make much more sense and I write better. 

I have discovered three of my selves and am able to distinguish between them very clearly now.

1. DRUNK
Possibly the state I have come to fear the most, since it draws so much out of me. To put it better, I think drinking exhausts me emotionally. To live in this state of such sheer vulnerability, with absolute abandon of restrain speaks of its own short life.

2. COOL, ALMOST COLD
Now I don't know for sure where the cool began but it must have been one of the drunk gatherings when I must have said something with certain shamelessness that earned me this title. Truth is that cool is a tough card to play when it does not come to you naturally. As an adult who has read, seen and known enough of the world, I am expected to show that I am not amused by anything. When I am like this for days, I border on the cold, heartless and unfeeling, till someone points out the same and I burst into tears.

3. ZEN
This is my ideal self and I have begun to pine for it more often than not. I am steadily walking towards it, although some days it feels further away that I wished it were. This is also the only time when I embody the unabashedness of my drunk state, only that I am calm all that while. In this moment i also bring in the coolness of  my second state without being pretentious.
The prime attraction of this state is clear thought and my ability to word it. It is also the best feeling I have ever felt.

I don't know where this fear comes from but I don't want to be loved a little less because of my words. Why is there this constant need to be liked, appreciated and agreed with?
Yet, as soon as that happens it turns to dust. None of it matters anymore.

Some days I think my mood swings will be the end of me, I don't know what goes off and then comes back on again every few hours. I was telling Tiddi about the same which helps because I think we both suffer from the same condition. Perhaps she is more honest in admitting it than I am.
She says it is because we worry more when we have more time on our hands. But even then this is not true at all times. I remember some breakdowns vividly from last year when I was busy with work and still found cracks in time to delve into and weep. 

I will admit though, that in all this search for love, to some extent it isn't so much about being with someone as it is about trying to prove to myself that I can make someone stay, which is insincere. That is why, late at night in this pool of tears, there is also a fair amount of relief that floats to the top, which is sincere. And the balance is restored.

I did not anticipate that dating could get so emotionally wrecking. Or maybe it is that I am easily broken. I'm growing really really weary of all of this. After the abrupt break off with Reddy, I deleted my account for my own sake. This I did after drawing to the conclusion that I am inept to date the modern way. People move briskly from one person to the next without so much as a thought and this is all too fast for me. It is not like I'm asking for any promises of the future but some stability maybe? Most men do want to remain friends however. I can't see how that can work. Everyone wants to be on everyone else's loop. Like I should be allowed to text you on the nights I am lonely. Or at least have the option of doing so. Is it just me or is this really fucked up? We all want intimacy but cannot bring ourselves to commit to anything.

Suddenly dying alone seems like a better alternative. At least I'll have my peace.

Chapter 0

The problem is where do I start? Do I set off with narrating one of the highlights of my life to get you to think well of me or do I lay it out in the open right at the beginning? Do I reveal something personal in this very first exchange and fabricate a kind of intimacy with you? I'm not sure.

I've always taken my time to warm up to people. While most writers will worry if their readers will believe in their narrative, I doubt if I will believe you to be a faithful reader. Did you actively suspend your judgement to hear my story? Did your mind keep flitting away into the arms of an enthusiastic lover? Were you thinking about today's lunch? How do I know I have complete attention? See, that's why I keep hesitating in opening up.

The thing is I don't set out to tell a story story, you know what I mean? I know all writers keep talking about a skeleton you need to have at the onset. Otherwise both the speaker and the audience end up gaping at each other like fools. But see, I tell the best stories when I free myself of the baggage of having a particular style. My best friends tell me I utter the most profound truths when I'm no longer in control of what comes out of my mouth. I lose myself so heavily in the act of communicating something right from the heart - something so raw, powerful, and with a necessary conclusiveness about it that my audience sits back with amazement and goes home thinking someone revealed something essential about their lives.

But I can't do that now, precisely because I revealed that technique (or lack thereof) to you. I showed you my most vulnerable self and so now you will most certainly use this against me, if I actively get down to business. That's why I will have my doubts about you and you'll not get to hear my story today.