It comes in strange ways, like a twitch, like a general unease in being. All that surrounds me begins to pulsate, annoy just a little bit, itch. There is no one thing to point at of course. All things are going as they should go. It all looks seamless. But then something comes to take away some of the joy of things. I tell myself I should be grateful for all that I have. There are so many with much less. I could have been one of them. But I am not. I have what I have (which is a lot). Some of which I worked for, much more that I have been blessed with. All of which I am lucky to have but which will only truly be realised when I will not have it anymore. So I want to feel blessed and lucky now. I wait for the feeling to come. I think it comes.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
I don't want to get too used to you not being here. Sit by myself with a chair facing me and look at it now and then and think of what it would be like if you were here. I conjure a shadow. There is effort in making sure it never becomes bigger than you are, but I'm sorry because I fail often. I didn't intend for this to be your burden. I think you know and you think that's the boy I am in love with. Maybe the girl you wanted to kiss was never me in the first place either. Maybe it is the person you see in my words. I am fooling you too because I am not half as beautiful as I make her to be.
Thursday, July 6, 2017
No thought. No movement. No sound. Just being. Breathing. Now. This. Just as it is.
Letting go of all that could not be. Letting in all that remains. All that stays. All that does not egg you on with bait. All that comes to settle in the palm of your hand tonight. All that is your due.
Monday, June 5, 2017
The weight of adulthood is upon everyone. Most of my friends get bogged down by it on a daily basis. I do too. I don't suffer in the same way because I have pulled myself out of the work rut and general comfort of material life.
This fear of not doing enough, not being enough comes in inheritance. My father may not say it in so many words but I sense he sees himself as incomplete no matter where he stands. The disappointment trickles down to the both of us kids. My parents seem to have given themselves up to a certain boredom where the mundane, everyday activities are the only way they can view time in motion. In this lull of the mundane, all of us are not nearly enough. We shake things up a bit every now and then to make sure we are not machines yet but get back to the drone because we are so used to it. I have an aversion to this system, but also know that if I were not subject to this system I would have found aversion to some other system instead.
Friday, May 5, 2017
I don’t want to write mindlessly because I know I will end up spilling truths. And truths scare me. We all live in our own worlds and mine is particularly beautiful. In my world, lovers meet to no end. The grass is always green. The wind is always blowing. All things are said and understood and reciprocated and nothing is lost on the way. People help people. No one is hungry for food or love. Words come out without hesitation and are always used to heal.
That’s why I live here. Most people recognise me as an artist but I am only doing my job in putting a picture of my internal landscape on paper. I have now been told that some people will also be ready to pay me good money for it. I never for the money. I’ve just always wanted to be able to get it out of me, if I keep it in too long I get sick. So in a sense I am being paid to turn my insides out. But when I think about it that goes for everyone.
I enjoy sex. On my way to the orgasm I enter the world that I just described above. I have always hoped that the partner with whom I share the bed for this communion is able to see the world in my head but usually they are far too deep in their own. So I don’t try. I close my eyes and swim in it until some of the water escapes me. Once we are done, we head our own way. I deem a certain honesty in it because there is a mutual recognition that communication has been exhausted. I am light headed after the act and head back home to deep rest. Sometimes I cry too. Because I am back in the real world.
I guess everyone is trying to escape in their own way. Very few people see the world for what it actually is. Everyone sees it as how they are. I think those who see the world for what it really is are the ones who go mad. I don’t think I would ever want to go mad. The real world is not kind to mad people. They put them in institutions and lock them up with their own selves. Can you imagine the horror of it? It might seem like there are no voices around but in their heads they are probably screaming. Sometimes my mind screams too but I shush it because I don’t want to be sent to one of these institutions.
With words I am able to let the madness loose. Open my Pandora’s box. I enjoy the blanket of fiction because I can get away with being anything. I can put blame on those I would never cast a finger upon in real life. I would say I am more forgiving in real life. But the paper helps me unveil my many selves, most of which aren’t very friendly.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Everything overwhelms me. People overwhelm me. Sometimes their presence overwhelms me, sometimes their absence does. And then to come back and spill all their gory details on paper seems like I'm bloodying my hands with their misdeeds. That's probably why I have little or no sympathy for those who spend all of their days making themselves look great by bringing other people down. Dragging everyone to their pity party. If you have to make another person seem terrible to make you look nice, are you really all that nice after all?