Sunday, December 30, 2012

Even if we could turn back, we’d probably never end up where we started.

I understand that I need to believe in heaven. I need to believe in a heaven for those who have suffered and died, like the young girl in my city, like the old man I had known. I need to believe in a God who smiles and treats all his children alike. Who tells me that it's alright to not understand the world and its ways, to not know what to do with my hands on some days, to not know what I'm talking about. She says quietly as she hugs me that I must put up a brave face nevertheless. I must believe and move on. It isn't easy but it is the only way. And everyone's doing it. The bug of melancholia has bitten some and some are crying louder than the others. But everyone's doing it. Everyone's carrying on. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

“And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn’t matter.”

 She is Cristina, she is Meredith, she is Clarissa, she is Peter, she is Florence, she is everyone; in that moment she’s everyone. 
I don’t even remember the season. I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that I belonged   somewhere.
 It’s a state of mind, this thing called time. There’s no today no tomorrow, no past no future. Only now and where you want to be, here. She’s here, I’m here. We’re over thinking things, maybe. But we don’t care.
 In that moment we’re not just two lonely girls, we’re them and they’re us.

Expect nothing. That way, each time you're loved the feeling will be new and it will hold its own.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Man With the Horns

I was Florence last night. I remember it very well from my dream because I had her hair, and the same luminous face-Snow White. Meryl Streep was to play the Evil Queen. Instead she was acting frisky with some dark man with horns on his head in a changing room near the beach somewhere. I had a feeling the man was Prince Charming, faceless as usual.
One of my friend's ex-boyfriend was also loitering about in the dream but I have no idea what he was doing there.
I was living in a tree house in one of the two rooms that were connected to each other by a rickety bridge. The wood in my room would creak even when I lightly paced in my violet nightgown. Outside my room there was a mirror and a black sink. I came out to oil my red hair.
Then I spotted the man who played the oompa loompas in Tim Burton's version of the book. I suppose he was to play one of the seven dwarfs, or all of them, or whatever. He looked up, I smiled at him. He nodded his head, looked away and then looked back at me like he recognized me. I knew I was in trouble then. In a couple of minutes he brought the man with the horns with him who tore down my tree house and took me away with him and that was the end of it.


I find myself here when I crave the water and I'm thirsty tonight. I've put the blue lights on. They're beating the drums. I'm dropping quickly, head first. And deeper into the drink. Come, open my mouth and stun me with the force of the ocean. Knock me into a trance. Shake me up. I was sinking but now I'm sunk. Clap your hands over my ears so I hear nothing else. I will scream, and scream louder and louder till this scream turns into a mermaid song. Bite my neck and suck the water out of my chest. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012