I find it very unnerving when I set out to say something and suddenly conversations take ugly turns. I feel the control in my voice wavering and in this case frantic Whatsapp typos. My stomach begins to churn. I’ve always been very afraid to push the boundaries when it comes to interacting with people. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. I’m pretty sure nobody does. (I also don’t like to rant, which I’m doing now)
Sometimes I don’t communicate with people because I anticipate a certain kind of response from them. I have these probable conversations running in my head that suffice. I think I've been afraid because it is quite a task to understand someone completely.
But of late, I've become brave. I’m doing and saying things I didn't expect myself to. I’m not being afraid of what I feel about certain people and I’m not being afraid to say it. I’m failing and falling. I’m learning to not be afraid of falling. I’m beginning to take action. I’m trying to understand loneliness. I’m forgiving myself for writing too many words to express myself. I’m not being afraid of writing. I’m not being afraid of writing shit. This will diminish the idea of self I have in my head because I've always expected myself to be a certain kind of woman. I’m learning that I can live up to my ideal by just taking action every day and by taking responsibility for my action.
I’ll handle it.