When your job requires you to smile at strangers all day, you go back home and be mean to the people you love.

Though I hardly know you, I think I can tell. These are the reasons I think that we’re ill

Have you seen The Piano? I think I am obsessed with the idea of drowning. Septimus Warren Smith dreamed of drowning too, a few days before he took the plunge out of the window. I suppose once you give up the struggle it would be as easy as crossing a bridge. He’s an explorer, like Darwin, the champion of humans. He simply passes through a green mist. He’s tossed onto the shore, where he lies for the whole world - the battered soldier of death.

In turn I let my head fall in a tub of water for I want to feel what he felt. He’s able to describe his dreams to Lucrezia. She loves him but she’s horrified. Even more so because he isn't when he should be. His naked eye is looking at the emptiness she cannot see. She cannot understand the madman’s ludicrous fancy, that Violet could for Virginia.

I want to be able to have that knack, you know. For saying the right thing. To save him from drowning. I want him to put his head on my knee, so that I can stroke it and kiss it. But for that I must save myself first. 

About the Boss

Sometimes when he talks, I think he gets so turned on by the brilliance of his idea that he goes home and jacks off to it.

I’ve never been so intimately involved with myself before. It feels like I am slowly strangling me. I count to ten, sometimes twenty, and then let go, coming up for big gulps of air. Then start the cycle again. I am Ouroboros. Self destructive, self nourishing. Better to do this to myself than to some poor fellow, no?

Here's to You, Rachel Robinson

I was wondering about the book with which I associate growing up and I thought of Here’s to You, Rachel Robinson by Judy Blume. It was one of those books you only get to see in the school library but never borrow, just like Nancy Drew Case Files, in which Nancy’s boyfriend happened to make appearances more often. 

Anyway, this Judy Blume novel had a green cover and a teenage Rachel, with bitten, pink lips, looking directly at you. 

Each time I think of that book, I think of walks in parks on cold evenings, strawberry flavoured lip balm and kissing a boy for the first time.

Things I learnt about myself when I was at a party

1. I have somewhat learnt the art of socializing and in a sense become the exact reason why I used to detest parties till last year.

2. I make chirpy conversations with people I would/could otherwise never speak with.

3. I'm a mean drunk. 

Tiddi

You are my greatest companion. Without even trying. I've been heavy hearted all day and I thought maybe I should write so I started scribbling about companionship and before I knew it became about you and all my sadness went away.